Steve Bruce

First things first: the book has now arrived at London Road stadium in Peterborough so hopefully Darren Ferguson will take his quill pen to it swiftly and it will be back with me next week.

Once it does return, it would be lovely to be able to ship it right back out again. In fact, when you consider Peterborough’s media man and his “No problem” approach (he used exactly the same phrase when I emailed him to say the book was on its way – sigh) coupled with the fact that Manchester United did indeed beat Olympiakos 3-0 on Wednesday night in line with my high hopes, I’m on for a Robin van Persie-esque hat-trick. (Hopefully without receiving an injury to the back of my thigh afterwards, which would be an unwelcome coincidence.)

I have applied a robust and sound logic to my decision on who to go after next: seeing as approaching an ex-player who’s now a manager worked so well last time, I’ll try it again. And why not approach an ex-player who also happened to be captain for the 1993/94 season: Steve Bruce.

Ah, Brucey. One half of the famed Dolly and Daisy central-defensive partnership with Gary Pallister (Alex Ferguson’s nickname for them; it’s not entirely clear who was supposed to be Dolly and who Daisy), even as a younger man he always looked kind of like he could be your dad – like there was a good a chance you could meet him after the game, go 10-pin bowling and finish up in Pizza Hut.

Bruce also happened to be a fantastic defender. That he was never capped for England is a travesty on a par with Goodfellas not winning Best Picture  and Last Christmas not making it to number one. He was at United for nine years and ’twas he who scored the last-minute winner against Sheffield Wednesday towards the end of the 1992/93 title-winning season that famously sent Ferguson and Brian Kidd doolally. Here’s his double-page spread in the book, looking suitably dad-like in a tiny pair of shorts:

When he retired in 1999 he went into management. He’s been in charge at Sheffield United, Huddersfield Town, Wigan Athletic (twice), Crystal Palace, Birmingham City and Sunderland – and is now at Hull City, who he took into the Premiership last year. It’s looking good for them to avoid relegation this season (though if my saying that now jinxes them it’s highly unlikely he’ll sign the book).

An email has just been sent to Hull’s media department; to continue a theme I’ll anticipate a speedy and splendid reply.

The stats
Emails sent/replied to: 45/15
Phone calls made/answered: 5/0
Distance covered by book (give or take): 13,635 miles
Money spent on project: £21.59
Signatures in book: 2

Back of the net

Yesterday was the most exciting day in the history of 33 Signatures. Considering the twists, turns and whole weeks without a single post that have already come to pass, that isn’t a statement I make lightly.

I had high hopes that Peterborough United would be fast and favourable in their response to my request for Darren Ferguson’s signature – and my optimism was emphatically rewarded. (I also have high hopes that Manchester United will beat Olympiakos 3-0 tonight so fingers crossed I’m on a roll.) Within mere hours of sending my email to Posh’s media office I had one back that featured a quite joyous phrase: “No problem.”

Imagine that! No dawning realisation that Darren is impossible to contact, no sudden revelation that he lives on the other side of the world and no mention that he might be too busy with Peterborough’s promotion push to sign a book – just no problem.

So, now it was just a case of waiting for the book to arrive back from Paul Parker in Singapore… which only went and happened yesterday, didn’t it? Here it is, in fact, with not one but two signatures:

And just to pile excitement on top of excitement, take a look at the Official Inside-of-the-Wardrobe List with not one but two names crossed off:

What a sight! The book, then, was posted off again this lunchtime and shouldn’t take six weeks to come back this time; that means I can try to set up the next signatory. Find out who it is in my next post – and watch out for those tenterhooks in the meantime.

The stats
Emails sent/replied to: 43/15
Phone calls made/answered: 5/0
Distance covered by book (give or take): 13,549 miles
Money spent on project: £21.59
Signatures in book: 2

Paul Parker pinpoints a post box

In among all the drama and confusion over flight MH370 going missing, I should imagine you have found yourself thinking, “Sure, that’s dramatic and confusing, but why is nobody talking about where that 33 Signatures blog has gone?”

Truth is, things have gone quiet for a month because very little, bordering on nothing, has happened. In fact, in my last post I even suggested that more had happened than was actually the case: the book only made it to Singapore a week later and before that was being held up in the UK. So when I suggested that it had travelled over 6,000 miles already, that was out by roughly 6,000 miles.

The book finally made it into Paul Parker’s abode on 19 February. Alas, Paul had business in India at the time so wasn’t actually at home to do anything about it. Being the busy man that he is, he finally got chance to sign it and send it back last week – and I’m told it will arrive some time this week.

The fact that getting Paul’s signature has now taken over a month has set me back a little regarding that 31 December deadline. In fact, with 31 signatures left to get, I’ve gone from needing one an average of every 10.3 days to one every 9.2 days. Marvellous.

Still, seeing as the book is now on its way back to Walton on Thames, thoughts inevitably turn to who is going to sign it next. Lee Sharpe was the last man approached. I was told by the director of his charity foundation that she had forwarded my email on and that she’d let me know when he replied or that he might even contact me directly; alas, neither of those things have happened. I can only assume that he is so excited about the prospect of getting involved that he can’t stop his hands shaking long enough to successfully type, “Count me in, Pooley!”

So, like a tasty but undercooked casserole, we’ll leave Sharpe simmering on the back burner for now and turn up the heat on the, uh, front burner – where we find Darren Ferguson. Back in early February, star guest writer Eliot Beer pointed out that Darren is the son of Sir Alex Ferguson, so I won’t bother making mention of that again (or, worse, drawing attention to the fact with an unnecessary and dated photo).

Instead I’ll tell you that midfielder Darren was at United from 1990 until 1994 but never became a first-team regular. He left to go to Wolves where he played for six years, followed by a brief spell at Dutch club Sparta Rotterdam before making over 300 appearances for Wrexham.

Having retired he decided to go into management, of all things. He is currently in charge of Peterborough in League One in his second stint in charge of the club (he managed Preston North End between times) and is sitting pretty in the playoffs as I write.

I’ve sent an email to the media office at Posh (that’s the club’s nickname – I haven’t sent it to Victoria Beckham because that would be stupid). For no good reason, I anticipate a prompt and positive reply.

The stats
Emails sent/replied to: 42/14
Phone calls made/answered: 5/0
Distance covered by book (give or take): 6,763 miles
Money spent on project: £17.49
Signatures in book: 1 (until I see Paul Parker’s with my own eyes, no chickens will be counted)

Dion drama and Lee Sharpe

This is a scene that feels like it has happened at least once this season. United are sent out onto the Old Trafford pitch, Moyes’ team talk still ringing in their ears. The referee tosses the coin, Nemanja Vidic shakes hands with the opposing captain, there’s a bit of back slapping and hand clapping and shouted encouragement among the players, perhaps even a bit of jumping on the spot, the whistle goes for kick-off – and we concede a soft goal in the first minute. I was a metaphorical David De Gea, shaking my head and picking the ball out of the back of the net, when I received this email yesterday from my Dion Dublin contact Claire:

“I had a word with Dion. Unfortunately his diary is full at the moment and he is away most of the time. Because of this he is unable to give you an address where to send the book to for signing. He apologises he is unable to help and wishes you well with your project.”

Ah. And doesn’t that last sentence sound horribly final? But never fear: if Ole Gunnar Solksjaer’s goal in the 1999 European Cup final taught me anything, it’s that lots of people find his surname really hard to pronounce. No, wait: it taught me that it ain’t over till it’s over. I have emailed Claire back to say that I’ll annoy her again later in the year when hopefully Dion will be a little less busy, I’ll only have a couple of signatures left to get (his and Paul Ince’s?) and it will be impossible for him to turn me down.

So come on, let’s not be down about this. Hey, there’s better news on the Paul Parker front: having been avidly tracking the book on the Royal Mail website I can tell you that it has now made it to Singapore and just needs to clear customs before it makes it to its destination. That means it shouldn’t be long until it’s on its way back – so I better try to set up my next signatory.

Lee Sharpe signed for United from Torquay in 1988 and stayed with the club until 1996. A left winger by trade, he initially burst onto the scene in a flash of handsome and talented glory but he found his opportunities to play curtailed by injury and the emergence of a Welsh chap by the name of Ryan Giggs.

Sharpey was great, though; there were a number of times as a teenager that I imagined what it might be like to be that handsome and talented and felt the hairs stand up on the back of my neck (and possibly wherever else they were growing when I was 13). At this point I would have shown you the picture of Sharpe in the book but it’s in Singapore and I neglected to take a pre-emptive shot before sending it. Instead I’ll share this picture of him in the early stages of being throttled by Sir Alex Ferguson:

I’d also encourage you to click here to see his Sharpey Shuffle goal celebration in action as it really is a joy to behold. (If you’d rather not watch four minutes of Lee Sharpe scoring goals – though I’m not sure what else you’ve got on your to-do list that you think is more important – just watch from 1.37 to 1.48.)

I’ve sent an email to Lee’s children’s charity, the Lee Sharpe Foundation; cross those trembling fingers.

———————————————————–
The stats
Emails sent/replied to: 31/12
Phone calls made/answered: 4/0
Distance covered by book (give or take): 6,763 miles
Money spent on project: £17.49
Signatures in book: 1

Sing joy and Parker-lujah

Yesterday at 9.55am I got an email regarding Paul Parker from a very nice man in the web team at Eurosport, which said this:

“Paul has asked me to pass you his address, so here it is.”

And then he gave me Paul Parker’s address, obviously. Otherwise it would have been quite a cruel email.

In my last post you may have noticed that I said Paul was going to be asked if he wanted to be involved on Tuesday, but it turns out it was Thursday. And he said yes! As we’ve already established. But it bears repeating. He said yes!

Paul also very kindly said that he would pay the postage to send the book back, so he’s easily as nice as the nice man in the web team at Eurosport. And of course, in order for him to send the book back he needs me to send it to him – which is exactly what I did this lunchtime.

First I wrote a little letter to put in the book, in which I thanked Paul for agreeing to sign the book, encouraged him to sign wherever he wants (bearing in mind that there will hopefully be another 31 signatures to come so, you know, not too florid) and also asked whether he might have contact details for Paul Ince, seeing as no one else seems to.

Then I put it in an envelope and took it to the post office, a process that I have helpfully illustrated here:

And then, well, much as you’d expect, I took it into the post office and organised getting it sent to Paul Parker in Singapore. It’s a signed-for delivery which, by the time I had paid for the envelope as well (I had to get a new one because the one I had wouldn’t seal, see), took the costs for this venture to £17.49. No nappies for Oscar this week then (I’m joking; please don’t call social services).

So there we go. I gave the book a little reassuring pat before I sealed it away; it felt a bit like packing a child off to university. (Possibly. If I was to send my son to university in Singapore and the dean was Paul Parker. Which is something I’d definitely consider.)

Oh, and quick Dion Dublin update: a very nice lady called Claire in Dube customer services said she would put my request to Dion when she saw him today. I haven’t heard back yet but I’ll follow up on Monday. It’s not like I’ve got the book to send him at the minute anyway. Because it’s on its way to Paul Parker! Which I’m totally cool about.

———————————————————–
The stats
Emails sent/replied to: 28/11
Phone calls made/answered: 4/0
Distance covered by book (give or take): 23 miles
Money spent on project: £17.49
Signatures in book: 1

Update and Dion Dublin

I’ll keep it short and sweet where the Pauls are concerned. Ince: Crystal Palace got back to me today and said they don’t have a contact for him, so I’ll have to put him on the back burner for now (probably until this blog becomes a worldwide phenomenon and he approaches me). And Parker: the Eurosport web team got in touch today and said they will ask him on Tuesday.

Meanwhile, faced with the stark fact that I need to get a signature every 10.3 days between now and the end of the year, I panicked and couldn’t decide who to go after next. Fortunately I saw a Facebook post from my friend Eliot Beer (who, get this, doesn’t like beer – imagine!), who is offering to write anything for anybody in the month of February in exchange for lovely donations to Cancer Research.

So naturally I asked Eliot – who has not even the most fleeting glimpse of an interest in football – to decide for me, giving him three potentially gettable options: Lee Sharpe, Dion Dublin and Darren Ferguson. Here’s what he had to say, bastardised by me by turning it into a faux conversation for no apparent reason.

ME: So, El, let’s start with Darren.
ELIOT: Of the three, only Darren Ferguson is active in this thing you call the beautiful game.

ME: I’ve never called it that.
ELIOT: He’s also the son of Sir Alex Ferguson, who I believe was something significant at Manchester United – and it seems Darren’s been in the news lately thanks to speculation over the security of his current managerial post at Peterborough.

ME: My, you have been doing your research.
ELIOT: On the plus side, because he’s working in the game, and (hopefully) not going anywhere anytime soon, Ferguson should be reachable. But given he’s going to be busy giving his own interpretation of The Hairdryer to his players, he might not be in a rush to sign your 20-year-old book, unfortunately.

ME: What? I can’t imagine a scenario where someone – anyone – wouldn’t rush to sign my 20-year-old book. Take that back.
ELIOT: Now, Mr Lee Sharpe. In my admittedly very quick trawl of information online the last above-the-line activity I can find for him is a gig at Abu Dhabi TV as a football pundit, around 2011. He’s now back in the UK, keeping busy with the Lee Sharpe Foundation and as an after-dinner speaker.

ME: You haven’t taken back your earlier comment yet.
ELIOT: I think Sharpe could be a good choice to go for next: he’s in the country yet unencumbered by the pressures of management. He also seems to be good fun – he’s been around the world, is up for a laugh and has got some good stories. And, of course, he has fantastic hair. Oh, oh – I nearly forgot his website! Come on, how can you not love this site:

ME: Sexy. You’re not going to take back that earlier comment, are you?
ELIOT: Then there’s Dion Dublin. Of the three he’s definitely had the most dramatic turn away from football. He is the creator of cubeular drum thing the Dube, which he’s very busily promoting  around the world: he was in LA at the end of January and a few years ago he jammed with Ocean Colour Scene (Moseley boys, gotta love ’em) at a gig in Norwich. So Dublin is definitely active and around – and also seems like a cool guy. He invented a drum!

ME: if I didn’t know better I’d swear you were ignoring me…
ELIOT: After careful consideration my recommendation would be to leave Ferguson until later when you have a few sigs in the bag.

ME: Sigs?
ELIOT: I think your easiest shot would be Lee Sharpe: he’s around, he’s amiable and has avenues of communication.

ME: OK, great.
ELIOT: But what I’d really like to see you do –

ME: Oh, I thought you’d finished –
ELIOT: – is go up to Cambridge and have a little drumming session with Dion Dublin on the Dube. Because that would just be great.

So there we have it. Having insulted me, made up a word and kept us guessing to the last minute (if you ignore the fact that the title of this post completely gave away who he was going to pick), Eliot has plumped for Dion Dublin. Thank you, Eliot. I forgive you.

Quick Dion Dublin facts: he signed for Manchester United in 1992 but broke his leg soon afterwards and couldn’t get back into the first team, not least because Eric Cantona had been signed in the interim. He left in 1994 for Coventry City and was there for four years before signing for Aston Villa (controversial!) and then playing at various other clubs until he retired in 2008. Oh and most importantly: my auntie met him once on a night out in Cov.

At this point I would usually show you a picture of Dion in the book. According to the contents page, he’s on page 156:

And here’s page 156, which suggests, unexpectedly, that Dion Dublin is a hybrid of Paul Ince and Eric Cantona:

Anyway, I just sent an email for Dion to the Dube team. If this doesn’t work it’s your fault, Eliot…

———————————————————–
The stats
Emails sent/replied to: 23/6
Phone calls made/answered: 4/0
Distance covered by book (give or take): 0 miles
Money spent on project: £0
Signatures in book: 1

Pauls progress

Since we last spoke I have established a couple of important things. Namely:

• Chris Nathaniel, Paul Ince’s “agent”, will never answer any of my texts nor any of my phone calls.
• Paul Parker lives in Singapore.

Let’s deal with the first one… first. In response to the four emails I sent to two addresses purporting to be affiliated to Chris Nathaniel’s company NVA Holdings, I have since had four replies headed with the severe-sounding rebuttal “Domain Abuse Address”. Failure to deliver emails, in other words. Those email addresses no longer exist, in, um, alternative words.

So I’ve tried a few more avenues of enquiry. I sent an email to a newspaper called The Voice, who interviewed Chris back in 2011; alas, The Voice has been disappointingly mute and I haven’t heard back.

Then I emailed a national-newspaper journalist who wrote an article on Ince a few years back to ask if, by any outside chance, he still had contact details. National-newspaper journalist didn’t still have contact details but was extremely helpful nonetheless (and asked to remain anonymous, hence why I keep referring to him as a national-newspaper journalist). He told me that he’s fairly sure Chris Nathaniel isn’t really around anymore in an agenty capacity, which (and these are my words now) may or may not be to do with his involvement in a murder case last year.

National-newspaper journalist went on to tell me that Paul essentially acts as his own agent these days but that I might want to try getting in touch with Crystal Palace. Reason being, Paul will have been involved in pushing through the loan deal of his son Tom from Blackpool to Palace in the January transfer window. National-newspaper journalist imagines Paul will be spending a fair bit of time at Selhurst Park for the rest of the season as a result.

I sent an email to the communications team at Palace yesterday. Nothing yet but I will of course, keep you posted. If they don’t get back to me, I’ll set up a tent somewhere around here:

Now, Paul Parker. I heard back from Simon at Eurosport yesterday, who told me that the web team are talking to Parker today about my request and that he’ll let me know what he says. But yeah, the former Manchester United right back now lives in Singapore which, frankly, is a touch inconsiderate.

Further updates and a new target to come in the next couple of days. To borrow the wise words of Journey: “Do-on’t stop, belieee-vin'”.

———————————————————–
The stats
Emails sent/replied to: 19/4
Phone calls made/answered: 4/0
Distance covered by book (give or take): 0 miles
Money spent on project: £0
Signatures in book: 1

Ince update – and Paul Parker

Should David Moyes ever decide to go on a lecture tour called Less-Than-Ideal And Somewhat Underwhelming Starts To Significant Undertakings (the name would need some work), I’ll definitely be able to co-host. For my attempts to get hold of Paul Ince have, so far, amounted to nought.

Having sent that initial email I have since sent two follow-up emails and called his agent’s office three times – but to no avail. In fact, when I’ve called, the phone has just kept ringing and ringing. And ringing. Not even a handy voicemail service to utilise. It’s possible that if I decided not to hang up, that phone would keep ringing until the four horsemen of the apocalypse eventually make an appearance (though that might be handy, as you’d imagine that the harbingers of the Last Judgement would have ways and means of getting someone to pick up).

I’ll keep plugging away with that one but in the meantime I’ll crack on with someone else, as with my 31 December deadline I need to be getting a slightly daunting average of about three signatures a month. Sticking with a Paul-based agenda, one Paul Parker will be my next target.

Parker was a rampaging right-back who played for United between 1991 and 1996. It was off him that Andreas Brehme’s shot deflected for West Germany to go 1-0 up in the 1990 World Cup semi-final against England (17 seconds in here) and he scored a cracking goal for United – one of two for the club – in the FA Cup against Reading in his last season (54 seconds in here). He did other stuff too but consider that a handy snapshot.

This is him in the book (his favourite TV show is The Bill and he calls Cool Runnings as the best film of 1993/94 which, to be fair, are two great shouts):

Since retiring he’s done various bit of coaching and media punditry; I’m hoping to track him down via the Eurosport media centre, as he writes a column for the Yahoo Eurosport website. A chap called Simon is the head of communications there and it’s to him that I just sent an email. Considering his job title, let’s hope he’s a little less reticent than Paul Ince’s people.

———————————————————–
The stats
Emails sent/replied to: 4/0
Phone calls made/answered: 3/0
Distance covered by book (give or take): 0 miles
Money spent on project: £0
Signatures in book: 1

Paul Ince

Given that I have spent the past 20 years thinking that I have a book signed by Paul Ince when, in fact, I haven’t, it would seem logical that he should be the first person to put pen to paper so that, in fact, I do.

Paul Ince, for those of you unfamiliar with the man, was a marvellous midfielder who signed for Manchester United in 1989. He left in 1995 to go and play in Italy for Inter Milan before coming back to England to play for… well, there’s no easy way to say this: Liverpool. He eventually retired in 2007 and went into management.

Below is his spread in the book, where as well as professing a love for snooker and wildlife programmes he appears to be coping admirably with a sudden attack of toothache:

 

In terms of getting hold of Ince, my plan was to contact the press office of the club he was managing: Blackpool. However, as you may have guessed from the past tense employed in that last sentence, that plan went out of the window last Tuesday when he parted company with the club.

Admittedly, this change in employment circumstances might not have put Ince in the best frame of mind to acquiesce to the annoying pleas of a signature-seeking blogger. Then again, my overtures might help to cheer him up. Clinging to that last thought, I have tracked down the name of his agent – Chris Nathaniel at NVA Entertainment Group – and composed a winning email. This is it:

Dear Chris, 

I hope this finds you well. My name’s Dan and I’m in the process of trying to get my Manchester United 1993/1994 review book signed by every member of said season’s first-team squad. You can find out more about the project at 33signatures.wordpress.com but the key thing to note is that once I have all the signatures I’ll be auctioning the book off to raise money for the British Heart Foundation. 

So far I have Paul Scholes’s signature; no great achievement because the book came with his autograph when I won it. The thing is, for nearly 20 years I thought it was Paul Ince’s signature, so I’d love him to be the first to add his name and get the ball rolling. 

If Paul is happy to get involved I can either post the book to you for his attention or, if he is due in your office any time soon, come and visit you in person at Canary Wharf. I appreciate that Paul probably isn’t keen to meet any media requests at the moment but, that said, this isn’t really a media request at all – more of a charitable one. 

Looking forward to hearing from you, cheers,

Dan

I just hit send; I’ll let you know as and when I get a reply. The tension, as I think we can all agree, is already unbearable.

———————————————————–
The stats
Emails sent/replied received: 1/0
Phone calls made/answered: 0/0
Distance covered by book (give or take): 0 miles
Money spent on project: £0
Signatures in book: 1

The plan

A simple plan? Yes. An effective one? Hm.

1. The players I’ll be approaching (by way of an email-based hunt in the majority of cases) were all members of the 1993/1994 Manchester United first-team squad, though not all of them necessarily appeared on the pitch during the course of the season; I’ll also be asking Les Sealey’s sons to add their names. In total, including the Paul Scholes scribble that is already in place, that’s 33 signatures.

2. I’m giving myself until 23.59 on 31 December 2014 to secure all these signatures (naturally I’m envisaging a New Years Eve party chez Becks to round things off). This means my mission will stay within 20 years of the Double-winning season and stop short of becoming an all-consuming life quest that I’m still gibbering on about when I’m 87.

3. I won’t be pursuing the signatures in any particular order, although I will ask George and Joe Sealey to sign last to bring things to a fitting conclusion.

4. In an ideal world I would meet all signatories and pepper this blog with stunning travel photography and illuminating first-person exchanges. Alas, in my actual averagely-paid-journalism-job-supporting-the-family-while-my-partner-is-on-maternity-leave-and-my-baby-son-goes-through-nappies-like-a-knife-through-poo world, this won’t be possible. Instead, I’ll meet signatories if time, money and location allow and post the book to them otherwise. (With some players I might even ask them to cover the cost of posting it back – hopefully my charitable motives will smooth over the glaringly you-cheap-bastard element of that request.)

5. I will only contact Manchester United directly for assistance when they are the obvious first port of call (as will be the case with Ryan Giggs, for example).

Here’s the complete list of signatories to be pursued:

01. David Beckham
02. Clayton Blackmore
03. Steve Bruce
04. Nicky Butt
05. Eric Cantona
06. Chris Casper
07. Dion Dublin
08. Darren Ferguson
09. Ryan Giggs
10. Keith Gillespie
11. Mark Hughes
12. Paul Ince
13. Denis Irwin
14. Andrei Kanchelskis
15. Roy Keane
16. Craig Lawton
17. Brian McClair
18. Colin McKee
19. Lee Martin
20. Gary Neville
21. John O’Kane
22. Gary Pallister
23. Paul Parker
24. Mike Phelan
25. Bryan Robson
26. Peter Schmeichel
26. Paul Scholes
28. George Sealey
29. Joe Sealey
30. Lee Sharpe
31. Ben Thornley
32. Gary Walsh
33. Neil Whitworth

I’ve also taped it to the inside of the wardrobe, which means it’s really official:

I think that’s everything, which means it’s probably time to get started – the stage in proceedings I’ve been doing my best to avoid. I’ll send the first email on Monday. And who’s first up, you cry? It has to be Paul Ince really, doesn’t it?